As you sit in the darkness of your room, you wonder to yourself, why now. Everything was fine a few days ago, but new thoughts were introduced today. When the thought gets introduced, it doesn’t leave until you do something about it.
Usually, that something is what you’d call harsh and impulsive, but maybe that idea is based on the guilt that comes with your actions. Actions which you know have been marinating in your mind for weeks before they are liberated in the easiest way possible – that is not to say that the liberation goes smoothly.
You wonder whether your actions are even truly based on your interpretation of something that comes before them. Or whether those interpretations are even correct. You feel as though they aren’t. That thought makes you uncomfortable. How easily manipulated are you? You question bitterly.
You think of the instances where others have frowned at your kind actions, “You’re too nice,” they say. You feel as though the word ‘too’ implies easy manipulation, and wonder whether your kindness is something that makes people think you are naive. Or whether they lie to you because they think you can’t handle the truth. Scowling you grit your teeth, holding in a scream.
How much more of a doormat could you possibly be? You question, irritated now. If you are a doormat, and people are truly the way you have just established, you are worth just as much as you thought you’d be, you realize. If guilt and kindness go hand in hand, then you are the perfect instrument for someone seeking their own way. If you disregard yourself, so will others. Not everyone is nice, in fact, most are not, you think to yourself.
In the dark, your thoughts are louder than they should be. Even as a whisper in your mind, they seem awful loud. What did you expect? You’re a sheep, you tell yourself bitterly, slamming your fist into your mattress.
As your thoughts become a bickering battlefield of insults and bitter conclusions, you close your eyes in attempt to shut the voices out. You lie there in the dark, eye closed, hoping to fall asleep before you have deal with facing anyone. If only you could actually fall asleep like a normal person, a thought interrupts your attempt to fall into a drowsy state until you fall unconscious.
Sighing to yourself, you shift positions so that you can create a false mind block. Go away, assholes, you think to yourself, hoping you will be alone in the dark once more. The dark is easier to face than your insufferable thoughts, sadly. You close your eyes, hoping to wake up a long time from now.