Stewing of Thoughts

I scoffed to myself as I realized my mistake. Snapping the phone shut, I wished I had held off. I could have waited, I should have. You know what they say, I thought to myself, coulda, shoulda, woulda. I sighed as I paced furiously around the house. Great. This is bloody fantastic. Running my hands through my hair, I grumbled to myself as I packed a bag. I had to leave before I did something else I’d regret. On my way out, I called Eva. “Goddammit,” I said into the phone.

“Relax, dude. Look, it happens. You made a decision and regretted it as soon as it was done. It’ll fix itself. Give it a few days.” She said.

I nodded to myself in an attempt to calm down. “Still doesn’t change the fact that he’ll be pissed. Doesn’t save the fact that I’ve dragged Paige into this too.” I mumbled in irritation.

She sighed. “Yeah, well at least you realize your mistake. You acknowledge the insensitivity of the question, and the fact that it intrudes on a personal matter. And either way, Paige can handle this better than you can. It affects you way more, too.”

“Or the fact that most people find it a serious topic.” I said, ignoring her comment, “I’m not really one of them.” I grumbled, kicking a pebble on the side walk. Near by, cars passed quickly, and I did my best to ignore them.

“Not everyone is nonchalant about that type of stuff, that’s true.” She agreed.

I sighed, scowling to myself. I felt like slamming my head against a wall. Or breaking something, or yelling until my throat felt raw, or running until my lungs felt useless, or tearing fabric to shreds. “I should have known it wouldn’t stand.” I told her. “Waiting patiently like a good boy and acting all surprised when he did tell me would have been ideal. But no, nothing more to expect from a moron like me.” I said, picturing myself throwing something until it shattered in tiny bits. Knowledge isn’t always power, I thought bitterly.

“Look, human knowledge and greed might not be on your side, but at least you have your trusty friend shitty excuses.” She replied. I thought of myself running until my lungs and chest burned, hacking in obvious pain afterward. By the time I replied, I was waiting to get onto a bus. “Reckless actions win yet again. Actions: 3; Ryan: 0.” I recited bleakly, swaying on the spot.

Eva snorted. “‘Reckless actions’ and ‘Ryan’ do not fit in the same sentence, sorry.” She snickered. “It’s more like ‘Stewing of Thoughts vs. Ryan.’”

Getting onto the bus, I sat at the back. I thought of myself slamming against a moving object. “Funny.” I muttered sarcastically. “Whatever. This happens, what, like every four months. I can see the cycle, but it’s probably not going to change.” I thought of myself tearing cotton to shreds, paper and cotton bits surrounding me in my room.

“You can’t guarantee that. Look Ryan, I gotta go. My cousins are coming over, and my mum’s itching for me to clean while she sits on the couch.” She told me.

I laughed, “Have fun with that while I think of how much I’m an idiot.” I thought of myself yelling at the top of my lungs in a deserted forest.

“You’ll be fine. Don’t stress too much, man.” Eva repeated.

I murmured in agreement without really committing to the thought. “We’ll see.”

She sighed, “Bye, you dramatically over thinking idiot.”

“Have fun with your dweeb cousins,” I muttered, snapping the phone shut.

Outside the bus, I was left to my own devices, thoughts stewing their own hurricane of confusion as usual. Maybe things would turn out. They always did.


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