Every time your name is mentioned, my stomach does a flip. This is mostly because I don’t know if we’re still friends. Everything about you has been in the dark for a while now.
I stopped trying, to see if you would respond by initiating conversation on your own. And since you haven’t, it shows you really didn’t put much effort to it in the first place. My effort seems useless now. I feel as though all that time was just me making a fool of myself. My constant anxiety about whether everything was okay only ended in the abrupt halt in our – apparently false – connection.
On a bad day, I might blame myself a little while I cuss at you under my breath. On any other day, I recognize that both sides are at fault, but you certainly did nothing to change the path that things followed. At first, I was focused almost more on how to change things than anything else, but that only seemed to drive you away more, for some reason. Apparently, my attempt at rebuilding something I felt was lost only meant the loss was more deserved. I was at fault because I was naive enough to want to preserve and protect something that had been lost a long time ago.
Whenever I think about you, one of two things happen; I become bitter, and I play the blame game. Even though I’ve established that there isn’t a point to putting blame, my mind still seems to think it is a necessary component on how to settle things. The bitterness is obviously accompanied by remorse and anger, with a touch of frustration, whereas the blaming is only assisted by confusion and irritation.
If my point in settling this was to avoid confusion and pain, I’m having issues with why I still feel something. I suppose in my denial, I refuse to accept that as human, I must feel at least something. And that denial says I don’t have to settle what I’m feeling, but the logic in me always does it in a torturous process that includes pissing myself off.
Either way, I can assume that we will not be talking unless we are in a room full of other people, and it will be tense on my part, and you might be a little oblivious about my internal debate because I hate conflict, so I will have neglected to mention the fact that I have officially cut ties with you without your consent.